Bear Sterns HR Dept. Offers Nintendo Wii’s To Lure Job Candidates

NEW YORK, NY (PSC) – The Human Resources department of beleaguered investment bank Bear, Sterns and Co. has purchased several thousand units of Nintendo Wii gaming consoles to attract new job candidates.

Once considered one of Wall Street’s most successful firms the company has recently fallen on hard times. In March, the Federal Reserve issued a non-recourse loan of $30 billion in order to cover losses in Bear Stearns’ investments in mortgage-backed securities and exotic investment paper. Management has since focused on regaining viability by attracting top tier employees.

The current situation has made finding quality prospects so challenging for talent recruiters working internally and externally, the board approved unanimously to release funds to buy the Wii’s off popular auction site EBAY at almost triple their retail cost. Nintendo Wii is a popular device among casual gamers because of it’s unique interactive style. The move is seen by many analysts as a “last ditch” effort to save it’s reputation and plummeting stock price. A spokesmen for Bear stood by the controversial decision; “many start ups are using a similar technique successfully and we strongly believe it will add zest to a normally unremarkable work environment”. He added, “every conference and break room will be stocked with legendary franchises like Mario, Zelda, and Metroid, as well as new classic Wii Sports.” Sources speculate the company will also institute a Wii Points matching program similar to that of traditional 401K packages.

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USA Today Abandons Colorful Charts For Journalism

McCLEAN, VIRGINIA (PSC) – America’s most widely circulated newspaper, USA Today, has announced a strategic shift from a periodical predominantly focused on colorful charts to the hiring of hundreds of traditional journalists.

The “McPaper’s” publisher, Gannet Company, shocked investors with the news that many thousand of the graphic designers and chart technologists would be let go from the company in order to make room for the switch. A concerned reader of the Nation’s Newspaper, Jane Johnson, from Des Moines, Iowa, claimed she felt alienated and considered the diagrams a reliable visual element to alternative papers which cater to the educated. The CEO, Hampton Jitney, staunchly defended the move in a statement: “We are a newspaper…and although we have acted like a glorified coloring book for the past 26 years, we’re gonna start covering stories that matter to the people of this free nation as well as our shareholders”.

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Filed under America, Journalism, Media, Uncategorized, USA Today

Vice President Announces ‘Three Word’ Campaign For Financing War

WASHINGTON, DC (PSC) – Vice President Dick Cheney announced today financing for the current wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, countries TBA in the next eight months, as well as the overall global war on terror, would be paid for using CIT bank’s new service Bill Me Later.

Bill Me Later is a convenient and secure new payment method designed as an open-end credit account. Cheney explained, “it’s much easier to put these wars on credit to maintain the Military Industrial Complex and ensure the $600 tax rebate program is executed with the belief we actually have that money”. The Vice President also cited the record deficit as the main reason for making this decision.

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National Debt Clock To Add Digits

New York, New York (PSC) – The National Debt Clock, a unique electronic green sign that has chronicled the second-to-second growth in the U.S. debt since 1989, has announced it will overhaul the digital number system to account for America’s record fiscal irresponsibility.

Located in midtown Manhattan, the clock runs by a computer which takes the exact figure of the national debt at the same time every week and then calculates the rate of change. In the mid-90’s, the debt was increasing so fast that it temporarily crashed the computer. This week the clock shuts down for a similar reason; excessive spending and borrowing. “The government has been acting like a group of careless card counting MIT students in Vegas,” said Douglas Durst, son of the real estate tycoon who developed, erected, and maintained the clock to graphically warn the public of the rapidly growing debt.

Mr. Durst is scheduled to meet with officials from the Chinese Government in Zurich, Switzerland next month to discuss subsidizing the project. Many economists blame China’s policies on perpetuating the negative cycle of debt. Durst insists China bears some of the responsibility and should pay for a portion of the renovations. In a phone interview he reiterated, “our objective with this project is to make a clock with enough digits to last the length of a potential eight year McCain Presidency.”

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Former Congressional Assistant Endorses This Website

WASHINGTON, DC (PSC) – House of Sarcasm’s (NYSE: HOS) political entity PoliScicasm.com (PSC) received a surge in web traffic after a former low level congressional assistant endorsed and praised the site’s political coverage*.

In a message to my Facebook inbox late yesterday evening, a former high school friend who worked briefly as an assistant to a congressman in America’s capital, confirmed this is an opportune time to launch the site. The powerless flack said “it makes complete sense.” He added, “luckily for you, the country, in my opinion, is into recession. People have slowly recognized that housing is in the dumps, the war is pretty pointless, and public education is generally a joke here, etc.” His use of “etc.” at the end of the statement indicates he could have continued discussing failed policy issues but decided to continue about his day.

*We haven’t really covered anything yet because this is the second post.

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What’s The Deal With America?

OMFG, WTF is going on?

It’s hard to ignore the frustrating reality of what the United States represents in the 21st century. This site will address issues by collecting entertaining perspectives on the state of our nation with an emphasis on law and politics. TTYL!

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